First love

Have you ever lived in a moment that you wished would last forever? Have you ever looked at a person and longed to feel their warmth? Have you ever felt the terrific beat of your heart in someone's presence? Have you ever felt the adrenaline that comes when you're in love with someone even if life restricts you?

How beautiful it is to love someone from a distance or with barriers separating the two people?

We all hold those stories with so much delicacy, don't we? We all have cried for that person, once or twice, at one corner or the other, didn't we?

     I was thirteen when I cried for a boy for the first time. We were classmates but not friends.

We gazed at each other all day, wherever and whenever but never talked. We held hands when no one noticed but never talked. We smiled at each other in secret but never talked. I used to trace his palms and he used to play with my hair, but we never talked. He bought me chocolates and I gave him shy smiles, but we never talked. We used to sit at the park after school hours and found comfort in each other's presence but never talked.

    Talking to each other felt too intense; or maybe it felt powerless. How do you talk to someone when all that needs to be said, has already been expressed through eyes?

     For a little girl who was pampered all her life and given what she wished for, I did not know how to survive in a world without love; neither did I know what it felt like to be empty, lonely and abandoned.

Arjun was all those things. I had never seen him angry but he was sad, silly and kind to everyone. It wasn't like he was alone, he had best friends and many people at school admired him. But there was something about his eyes, everytime he looked at me. They were screaming heartbreaking poetry. There were a hundred unknown emotions swaying in those eyes and all I wanted to do was detach them and learn each one, even if it took an eternity. It broke my little heart to see him go through many things at such a tender age.

Opposites do attract, that is what life has proved to me.

I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be his friend and make him laugh. I wanted to be his caretaker and see him let go of his experiences. I wanted to be his girl and fill him with all the best things that I've ever known.

That little girl wanted to be his anything, as long as she could love him.

    Life teaches us to break the rules sometimes but it also shows us how we can never just walk through certain boundaries. It drops us into things and gives a taste of everything that we ever dreamt of, only to drag us away and make us crave for all of it, all over again. It brings us moments and I'm grateful enough that we can keep them safe in our hearts.

   I remember everything about the day Arjun left. I remember how he bid farewell to every friend; all the while his eyes were searching for me. I remember hiding away from him because I did not know how to look at him for the last time, and because I did not know how to face him without crumbling down like a broken doll. I remember writing him a note with my name and a heart at the bottom.

It read, ‘This girl will always adore you, please don't forget her ever’.

I remember placing it in his bag when he wasn't there and I also remember how he came out of nowhere and hugged me to his heart. I remember crying into his shirt and pushing him away like a child. I remember how he pulled me in, kissed me on my forehead and wiped my tears.

    Oh, how much I cried for days and months until I couldn't anymore. I still don't know how to fall in love without him and I still don't know how to stop loving him. What I always know is that no matter whom I love again, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't feel complete if it's not him.

Maybe I was too young, maybe the memories are stuck too deep or maybe that stubborn little girl has prayed to never stop loving him.

Maybe I'm naive and still young, but I'm brave enough to accept that his name is carved on my heart.